The Actual Hell Your Drunk Ass Just Write?

Day of failure ends in awaiting exhaustion.
Insomnia will cause my artistry.
Insomnia will cause my insanity.
Insomnia will be the death of me.

That’s just the uppers by day and downers by night, you idiot.

Blaring music through my headphones.
I hate that when I move my hands to type…
There’s friction through the wires.
And I can hear it.

Also brings to light the unintentional jaw popping
Popping. Popping. Popping.
All this enclosed popping,
Firing back at me.

A reminder of the control…
I am lacking.

Song on repeat.
“Leave me out with the waste,
This is not what I do.”
But it is.

And it’s not the song,
But the passion that fuels me.
Because I am lacking.
So, I analyze it.
The song.
Finding meaning where meaning
May not exist.

Perhaps my problem is
That I write with restriction.
Remembering the days it used to flow out of me.
Like a caged bird set free,
Making its way home.

But I am living the wrong life.
Escaping it is my conviction.
A prison sentence.

Too weak to break through these bars.
Too much pressure on myself.
Get drunk every night so I do not care.
I am sick of this life…
But I no longer have it in me to put up a fight.

I know that’s not alright with you.
Or you.
Or you.
But I beat myself up over sharing my own desperation.
I need not worry if you will, too.

Because honestly,
If you can’t love me in this moment…
Fuck you.

This is my backhanded way of saying thank you,
To those who love me. 

I possess a beautiful craft within me,
But instead I choose to bicker.
Too much pressure on myself
To deal with my own time-restrained failures.
So, I just drink beer.

My craft is artistry (sometimes).
My craft will cause my insanity.
My craft will be the death of me.

That’s just the uppers by day and downers by night, you idiot.

I hate my craft,
With every particle of my being.
But I must do it.

And I’m all out of beer…

And this jumbled form of expression
Will amount to nothing.
And tomorrow I will find myself,
Still living the wrong life.

Song on repeat.
“Leave me out with the waste,
This is not what I do.”
But it is.

This jaw popping is driving me nuts.

When You Try To…

Seek some form of right-mindedness or feeling of normalcy from binge watching a favorite tv show, New Girl is a definite no-go.

Depression is one hell of a roller coaster ride. Saturday came along, and I finally convinced myself to clean my house. Well, at least half-way cleaned my house. I started having a breakdown around 5pm, sobbed as I ate a 2 day old taco, not because I was hungry but because I just needed to eat something, bought three 24 oz cheap beers, downed them so I got a little drunk, and watched New Girl until I passed out next to my dog in her bed sometime between 9p and 11p.

My friend and roommate came home. I heard her rustling around and I woke up, puked in the toilet, cried to her about my dog’s possible IVDD until about 1am, all the while asking “who cries like this over a dog?” (I am very overwhelmed with all of the financial aspects of this that I cannot afford.) Then I went out and bought a frozen pizza, ate about a slice, canceled plans I had with my friend on Sunday, and went to sleep until 1:16p. I woke up, forced myself into the shower, wandered about the house in my underwear while I finished the rest of my pizza, and somehow managed to get dressed and get myself to work.

Today is Monday, and I managed to get out of bed at 11a. I am proud of myself for that. My friend cooked for me and made coffee, which I very much appreciate, and it helps out so much in times like this. The shower I took felt a little less forced than yesterday, which is good. I even feel like taking some vitamins today- fish oil and vitamin D, because maybe it’ll help… or at least maybe I can convince myself it’s helping.

Depression is one hell of a roller coaster ride. And I have this theory that my family is meant to falter, as if these overbearing mental health problems are in my bloodline, and we are all just set up to constantly fall on our asses. Never really obtaining our deepest wants or needs in life. Never making it to the top.

But I’ll get there…

I am getting there…

New Girl didn’t help solve any of my problems, but I woke up at 11a today.