Bitch Fest Because I Need To

Sometimes I get annoyed when my cat is in my personal space. Usually when I am at the kitchen table working on a project. I can feel his hair brushing up against my arm, hear his heavy breathing and purring- it rattles my nerves. The air around me gets thick, as he nudges closer, and closer, and closer. I tolerate it for a short time; it becomes claustrophobic almost.

I fight with him for my space. I nudge back, trying to scoot him away just a bit. For every inch I push him away, he comes back towards me two. I eventually feel suffocated, asking him to move as I continue to push, more aggressively now. Finally, he makes his way across the table, and settles down on a pile of papers. He stares. I rejected him. I think I hurt his feelings and he looks sad now. I talk to him from my side of the table. I tell him I love him, I just need some space sometimes. He looks away, I return to my work.

Sometimes when I’m out in public, I find myself overwhelmed by noise- traffic, motorcycles, semi-trucks, big crowds, loud children, hyper teenage girls, barking dogs. It irritates me to the core, and I don’t know why. It’s only people going about their days, living their lives, perhaps even enjoying themselves. Laughter sometimes urkes me, too. Why is the world so fucking noisy? Why are people always so fucking happy?

A simple trip to the grocery store can turn my good mood around in under a minute. I arrive and I don’t even have to leave the car to start feeling tense. I just see cars, lots of cars. And people, so many fucking people- rushing around, cutting people off, hollering across the parking lot to their significant others. Shopping carts clanking, car doors slamming, car horns blasting and alarms blaring, engines revving, tires screeching. Everyone’s talking, “We have to get garbage bags”, “keep your hands in the cart, Timmy”, “Damnit Jeff, you forgot the list at home again!”

Then of course, I run into the occasional asshat who tries to talk to me. “Hey uh, do you know which brand of yogurt has the most protein?”, or “Ha, shopping is the worst, isn’t it?” I literally go out of my way to look as unapproachable as possible, and here you are! I can’t even stand leaving the house most days, unless it’s to go on a hike. Then I can find myself deep in the woods, nothing but the quiet sound of creaking trees and birds chirping in the distance. I see one, maybe two people- they say “hi” in order to be polite and ease the awkwardness of passing by, and they go about their way. It’s simple. The rest of the world is not simple.

I take a while to process emotion. I never understand people who are so sure of their feelings all the time. And because they rarely face emotional confusion, they always expect you to know how you feel. They want to talk about it, right then and there. They want to get in your face, ask questions. I don’t know, but they keep asking questions.

Questions, questions, questions. You’re in my face, I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I don’t know how to respond because I DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW. You want to talk. Talk, talk, talk. Gotta talk it out, right now, gotta get to the bottom of it… gotta solve this problem… what’s the problem? Let’s talk about the problem. What’s the problem? How do we solve it? Questions, questions, questions. You want to know what I feel? I feel anger. Right now I’m angry, I’m anxious, and I’m confused. That’s not the answer that you want. I should be more in tune with my emotions, I should feel differently, I should feel… more like you are feeling.

But I always feel anger. It’s the first emotion I feel in any given situation. My sister died, I’m angry- at myself, at her, at our mother, at the universe, at father time. I’m hungry and I’m annoyed that I have to cook. I’m smelly and I’m frustrated that I have to shower. I need money and I’m irritated that I have to go work a job I don’t particularly like. We break up and I’m furious with myself- because I am no good, because I am always so angry, because I don’t know how I feel, because I don’t feel good things… like you.

So I have to go from there, and really it’s here. Because this is present time and I know anger isn’t a healthy way to process every fucking situation. And I am so tired of people assuming that I don’t feel much of anything. I feel things so immensely.

It just starts with anger. Then I gotta break it down. Anger becomes confusion, confusion becomes sadness, sadness becomes confusion again, then I’m a mix of mad, sad, and confused all at once. Then I’m depressed. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I get out of bed, I don’t wanna do much. Trying to find the motivation just to make a cup of coffee or feed myself. Just to walk outside and face the stupid noisy world… and the stupid noisy people… with their stupid fucking smiles and their constant need to make conversation. And I need time to think, time to process how I feel… but the world is so noisy and you’re in my face.

So I fight for my alone time, like I fight for some space from my overly affectionate fucking cat, so I can process. So I can work on myself, as if I am one of my projects. You’re outside my door. Questions, questions, questions. You have lots of questions and I have lots of boundaries. I hate your questions just as much as you hate my boundaries. I yell, you cry, I close my door again, you leave.

I have some time to process. Process, process, process. I have to rush this process, it’s only a matter of time before you’re in my face again. In my face again, in my face again, in my face again. I can half answer your questions, because I only had enough time to half-process this situation. These aren’t the answers you want. I should be more in tune with my emotions, I should feel differently, I should feel… more like you are feeling. And I am so tired of you assuming that I don’t feel much of anything.

I feel things so immensely…

Sunrise To Rainstorms

This morning I woke with a feeling of brokenness
Which usually doesn’t differ from any given day
But today, today was different

This morning I woke in the midst of a piece of myself
Leaving

Like a balloon someone let loose
And I watched as it floated away into the sky
And down the street
Through cafe’ doors
And into the mouth of a stranger
Who was blowing on her coffee to cool it
And she swallowed me whole

As orange as the early morning sunrise
This piece of me just vanished
And I’m left feeling just a little more broken
Than usual

It’s supposed to rain today
And boy,
Can I feel that storm comin’

Delicia Marie Rush

dee4

She was the kind of lost and broken people don’t like to talk about
My family was the kind of fucked up people don’t want to think about

You see, my father tore right through her
You see, my mother chose to discredit and blame her
You see, she made sure no one could ever really understand her

I see shadows out of the corner of my eye
A reminder of the necessities in life
Food, water, oxygen
Love

How can a mother love a child, while allowing a man to constantly invade her?

“Child, you’re lying…
Child, you just want to stir up trouble…
Child, I will not leave him for you…
So child, just stop trying…
Child…”

When I was a child, she tried to kill herself
Because our mother destroyed her
Spirit
And she only wanted to be where her soul lie

When I visited her in the hospital, the very next day
I pleaded with her
“Please, don’t ever leave me.”
And when I was grown, she told me I had saved her

And when I was a child, she wanted to protect me
She laid my head on her lap, ran her hands through my hair
Put me fast to sleep

And when I was a child, I used to crawl into daddy’s bed
The form of love and affection he used to show me
Was the only one I had ever known
Until my sister ran her hands through my hair
And saved me

And lately I have been decluttering my life
As if organization is directly linked to clarity
As if I can delete enough files on my computer
Or throw away enough useless shit in my apartment
Things will start making sense

You see, I used to watch her beat her children
You see, I used to lecture her about housing her drug dealers
You see, I told her she couldn’t escape the past
You see, she told me I always acted like I was superior
When I was only trying to help her
You see, she tried to kill me, twice

So I left her alone

And a year ago she called me, I let it go to voicemail
And in the faint cracks of her voice
And in the words not spoken
I could sense her desperation
But I never returned her call

And in a fit of rage, I broke that phone
So I didn’t have to hear her

And three weeks ago I fell asleep, listening to a song that sparked distant memories
And I had a dream-
She stood in front of me
Her face bright, her smile radiant
A version of her, that had never before existed
She spoke to me
“I am alive.”

And I knew she finally met up with where her soul lie

And you see
There is no term for the complicated grief I am experiencing
Because you see, she was the kind of woman
That ought not to be looked up to

But she was my FOUNDATION
A pure heart
Not to be defined by her actions

And I see shadows out of the corner of my eye
And I can still feel her hands running through my hair

I WILL NEVER FORGET THE BEAUTIFUL, BROKEN SOUL THAT SAVED ME

Blue

And I swear to God
In my deep brown eyes
Everything I once perceived as yellow
Transformed into the deepest blue

This is the beginning of a revolution!

Wet towel over my mouth
I silently cried
Sobbed
And my convictions I kept hidden
So the world I knew
Could be a little less frightened
In this hard time

My big blue eyes
The most mysterious occurence
I have come to witness
My eyes, not my eyes
But the world

Ever so blue

And today I hugged some old friends
I held on tightly
Because it’s symbolic
As I knew times were changing

Because this is the beginning of a revolution!

And revolutions bring upon new eras
And new eras leave things to the past
And these friendships
Will probably dissolve into the past
And I hope to at least depart in love

LOVE

The most powerful thing this world
Can never seem to fathom

But as we are divided
And the other half
Insists that we’re just crying
I receive death threats on the daily
People knocking on my bathroom window
Trying to tear down my doors

I am fucking terrified

But I’ll be damned if I am crying
I am fighting!!!
Not crying
Fighting for a maybe
A slight possibility

May you not stand by me
But I stand by you
And for you

For your disabled daughter
Your LGBT friend, lover, or brother
Your Mexican mother
Your black boyfriend
Your Muslim step father

Shit
Even your straight, white privilege
Where you fail to see any possible issues
I stand for you
In all you may not yet realize
I believe in your potential
You have so much you could offer

With all of my heart
I truly love you
In all of your diversity
And all of your sameness

This is the beginning of a revolution!

And yes
The outcome includes you!

So tomorrow I will rise
And hope to survive
The future of your regret
For sitting aside
For having another “perspective”
Or for not having one at all

But tonight I projectile vomited
All the hidden worries and regrets
My friends and family
Are too proud to share
As they passively slide by
In their safe, promising America
Into the toilet

As if it were the end
But this is the beginning of a revolution!

And as this cold, blue world progresses
It will begin to freeze you
But no matter what
I will be a blanket for you
Because love warms all things
Even things unknown

And no matter what my friends
I stand by my love for you